I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour.

Well, it may be humour!

Joint:
Gap left between tiles. Following development of a new European standard, this gap has been standardised to be “never less than a bit” and “never more than a lot.”

Kiln:
Cooking appliance capable of producing 3000 pizzas per hour.

Klinker:
Continental word which roughly translates as hard to cut (obs shatter). Only available in strange sizes and, therefore, adored by English architects.

Large format:
Fanciful invention of Continental manufacturers unable to calculate the number of 6in tiles needed per sq. metre and who have never owned a small white van!

Lustre:
The closest the tile industry gets to sex.

Lipping:
What tiling contractors get from their workforce on querying another lame excuse for leaving the site early.

Listello:
The tiling equivalent to Pandora’s Box – every opening guaranteed to surprise!

With thanks to Dr Grout AKA Tony Hyde

Diary of a Tile Addict January/February 2017