I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour.

Well, it may be humour!

Taco:
How floor tile manufacturers to dispose of their off-cuts.

Thick bed:
Fixing technique invented by adhesive manufacturers.

Thin set:
Fixing technique designed to keep costs down, and prices up.

Tools:
Hardware designed to make the public believe tiling is far more complicated than it actually is.

Trim:
Adjective rarely used by tiler’s spouses.

Triple fired:
Burger King’s latest menu addition.

Unglazed:
Brainchild of tile producers who owe the glaze manufacturers money.

VAT:
A brilliant idea, introduced ago a few years ago when the Government ran out of staff, designed to get people to collect taxes on their behalf or be sent to prison.

Verbal:
Form of contract not worth the paper it isn’t written on.

Vitrified:
Accidental by-product of running the kilns at too high a temperature, now an excuse to hike ex-factory prices.

Wall tiles:
Tiles of insufficient quality to be used on the floor. Formats are now so large that we will soon be asking “how many walls per tile”.

Warehouse:
Enchanted land filled with tiles nobody wants and peopled by rejects from the Ferrari fork lift truck racing team. Organised on the principle that top-selling lines are on the uppermost rack in the remotest corner, while discontinued lines are piled in soggy cardboard boxes just by the showroom door.

Wax:
Treatment for Barbour jackets or terracotta floors. A multi-role product, classed as “a nice little earner”.

Wear and tear:
Term used to describe any tile installation more than one week old. Not to be confused with industry standard dress code “tear and wear”.

White bodied:
The UK tile fixer on annual leave in Torremolinos (See Red Bodied ).

Working Time Directive:
The EC at its best. Restricts maximum working hours to 35 per week, legislation anticipated by UK tile fixers by at least 20 years.

 

With thanks to Dr Grout AKA Tony Hyde

Diary of a Tile Addict January/February 2017