Tiling Thesaurus: H

I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour.

Well, it may be humour!

Hand made:
A second. The retailer’s wet dream; a concept allowing the poorest quality tiles to be sold at the highest possible prices

Handi packs:
A misnomer, if ever there was one. Hermetically-sealed box, at one time believed to hold tiles, designed specifically to confuse any customer trying to work out how many 6 by 6in they need to cover their bathroom wall.

The freight handler’s subtle art of moving your tiles from one side of Europe to the other, only to drop them off at your nearest competitor’s warehouse. See Decors (missing).

Standard industry term for bumpy. A method of surface treatment, using heavy carbide polishers, producing a ‘flat’ surface used when everything else has failed to remove that stubborn stain.

Hollow bed:
Shortlisted for the Turner Prize. Term used by adhesive company’s expert witness to explain why your new floor has more cracks than California.

Hot melt gun:
The tiling invention most admired by the private medical profession. Every gun designed to extrude fast flowing steam of scalding adhesive onto nearest piece of uncovered flesh. See Outpatients.

With thanks to Dr Grout  AKA Tony Hyde

Joe Simpson, Diary of a Tile Addict, February 2017

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