I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! More years ago than I care to remeber there was much talk of a new single all-powerful association to represent the UK tile trade. Here Dr Grout shares some of his ‘initial thoughts’ on possible names for this important new body. ADD Association of … Continue reading Tile Humour: Guilt By Association
I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! Taco: How floor tile manufacturers to dispose of their off-cuts. Thick bed: Fixing technique invented by adhesive manufacturers. Thin set: Fixing technique designed to keep costs down, and prices up. Tools: Hardware designed to make the public believe tiling is far more complicated than … Continue reading Tiling Thesaurus: T – W
I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! Quality: Obsolete. Term once used by a handful of manufacturers, now superseded by “acceptable”. Quantity: Number of tiles required as calculated independently by customer and fixer. It is standard industry practice for retailers to take larger figure (fixer’s) and add 25%. Quantity surveyor: End … Continue reading Tiling Thesaurus: Q – S
I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! Majolica: I thought I was going on holiday, but I ended up in another dusty tile factory. Mohs: In the scale of things, very important. In reality, totally ignored by one and all. Mosaic: The perfect opportunity to get rid of all those dust-covered … Continue reading Tiling Thesaurus: M – P
I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! Joint: Gap left between tiles. Following development of a new European standard, this gap has been standardised to be “never less than a bit” and “never more than a lot.” Kiln: Cooking appliance capable of producing 3000 pizzas per hour. Klinker: Continental word which … Continue reading Tiling Thesaurus: J – L
I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! Installation: Catch all term used to describe all aspects of tile fixing, but in fact sticking six tiles above the bathroom basin. Beloved of fixers wishing to project an up-market image. Interior designer: High trained (should that be strung?, Ed) individual able to grasp … Continue reading Tiling Thesaurus
I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! Installation: Catch all term used to describe all aspects of tile fixing, but in fact sticking six tiles above the bathroom basin. Beloved of fixers wishing to project an up-market image. Interior designer: High trained (should that be strung?, Ed) individual able to grasp … Continue reading Tiling Thesaurus: I
I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! Hand made: A second. The retailer’s wet dream; a concept allowing the poorest quality tiles to be sold at the highest possible prices Handi packs: A misnomer, if ever there was one. Hermetically-sealed box, at one time believed to hold tiles, designed specifically to … Continue reading Tiling Thesaurus: H
I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! Glass Blocks: The ideal solution for the customer who can’t find a single tile they like. Glass Mosaic: Tiny bits of waste glass rejected by the double glazing trade and therefore sold at ridiculous prices. Held together by brown paper, or strips of old … Continue reading Tiling Thesaurus: G
I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! Dado: “Could I interest you in one of these, Madam.” Decor: Plain tiles with a consistent visible fault. Description: Product specification characterised by its complete absence from all tile boxes and price lists. Design: Someone else’s idea with your name on it. Displays: Obsolete; … Continue reading Tiling Thesaurus: D
I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! Fair: Spanish or Italian exhibition where British distributors can order newly discontinued tiles while getting pissed and improving their golf handicap. Failure: Nothing to do with me. See Architect, Agent, Distributor, Fixer and Manufacturer. Flexible: Term used to describe written quotation produced by any … Continue reading Tiling Thesaurus: F
I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! Ecu: Form of currency used in the Brussels’ edition of Monopoly. Emu: Long legged chickens reared by farmers keen to maximise grant awards from Common Agricultural Policy. Encaustic: Obsolete term used to describe site foreman’s sense of humour. Standard tiling specification for all building … Continue reading Tiling Thesaurus: E
I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! Euphemistically speaking Duties will vary Anyone in the office can boss you around. Must have an eye for detail No quality assurance department. Career-minded Female applicants must be childless (and remain so). Apply in person If you’re old, fat, ugly or support Chelsea, the … Continue reading Tile Humour: Euphemistically Speaking
I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! Geek or grout? What is the difference between a tile salesman and a computer salesman? A tile salesman knows when he’s lying to you. Diary of a Tile Addict January/February 2017 Continue reading Tile Humour: Geek or Grout?
I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! On the road On his first day on the road for Terror Cotter, new rep Owen David calls the office and asks for the sales manager. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news, sir.” “I’m busy. Just give me the good news!” … Continue reading Tile Humour: On the road
I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! Evaluation day Many thanks for the kind reader who sent me the personnel records of Norfolk & Chance (Tiling Contractors). These staff evaluations confirm my faith in the high quality of the tradesmen attracted to the tiling industry, “Since my last report, this employee has … Continue reading Tile Humour: Evaluation Day
I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour. Well, it may be humour! You’ve been slapped Due to pressure from DIY sheds, we regret to inform you that The Self-Import Tile Co will be forced to reduce staff numbers. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people … Continue reading Tile Humour: You’ve Been Slapped
