Tiling Thesaurus: M – P

I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour.

Well, it may be humour!

Majolica:
I thought I was going on holiday, but I ended up in another dusty tile factory.

Mohs:
In the scale of things, very important. In reality, totally ignored by one and all.

Mosaic:
The perfect opportunity to get rid of all those dust-covered boxes of “fashion” colours at the back of the warehouse for greatly inflated prices.

Mural:
Any piece of work involving both designers and tilers that costs at least twice the original estimate.

Matt:
Euphemism for faulty glaze.

Monocottura:
What the single-minded tile manufacturer is wearing this season.

Mesh-backed:
The closest most tilers will ever get to a Web site.

Mexico:
A country and a reputation built on clay. Early tacos proved good enough to eat.

Marble:
Obsolete. Prototype of today’s porcelain tiles, but with inferior uniformity of shading and takes too long to make.

Nominal size:
Manufacturing speak for “don’t blame us if they’re too small or too big.”.

Non-slip adhesive:
Invention to boost tilers’ muscaluture that resulted in the devastation of the UK baton making industry.

Non-slip tiles:
Surely “slip resistant” (legal advisor). Ideal flooring if you own a tortoise.

Packaging:
Due to advances in production, some tile boxes now even survive the journey from factory to warehouse intact, and a few have been known to have the correct tile name printed on the side.

Paviour:
Imaginative name for a very boring product.

Polished:
The performance of any Continental tile rep able to palm off the latest in porcelain tiles.

Porcelain:
Should be called richelain. Use in UK largely confined to up-market shopping centres, where it doubles as a skating rink in the evening.

Porous:
Term used to describe tiles specified by architects for swimming pools surrounds or food prep areas. Working title for UK manufacturers’ new trade association.

With thanks to Dr Grout AKA Tony Hyde

Diary of a Tile Addict January/February 2017

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