Tiling Thesaurus: Q – S

I’m away on holiday until the 13th February, so I’ll leave you with some tile humour.

Well, it may be humour!

Quality:
Obsolete. Term once used by a handful of manufacturers, now superseded by “acceptable”.

Quantity:
Number of tiles required as calculated independently by customer and fixer. It is standard industry practice for retailers to take larger figure (fixer’s) and add 25%.

Quantity surveyor:
End product of genetic experiment, conducted on behalf of Main Contractor, in which the genes of Lester Piggott, Norman Lamont and Vinnie Jones were mixed.

Quarry tile:
Product designed to create large holes in Welsh hills.

Quiligotti:
Italian rock band, better known as “The Polished Stones”.

Rapid set:
Adhesive formulation that has increased sales of plastic buckets, and boosted early afternoon pub profits. Only suitable for use in Spring and Autumn. In Summer, it sets solid before leaving bucket. In Winter, it can take several days to “rapid set”.

Rectified:
Cunning plan by Continental manufacturers involving cutting up surplus tiles and selling them on at a massive profit.

Red bodied:
See Rioja. Some of the vast quantities of clay dust in the Castellon region are now made into tiles.

Relief:
Sensation experienced when Main Contractor’s cheque arrives.

Relief border:
Only applicable to “hand-finished” products.

Sassuolo:
Italian for “Stoke-on-Trent”

Satin finish:
Ladies’ dress code for The Tile Association Awards.

Screed:
Cunning way to make a profit from tile adhesive with too much water added.

Seal:
Piece of equipment used to fasten bags of grout and adhesive. The best versions can convert a 20kg bag to a 10kg bag in the time taken to carry from van to site.

Sealer:
Nobody knows what it is or what it does but, while it sells for £10 a half pint, who cares?

Seconds:
Factory-produced tiles you can sell as “hand-made”.

Silk screen:
Eastern invention to give tiles added allure.

Single fired:
Kiln that produces tiles so fast that customers complain that they are still warm when taken out of the box.

Skirting:
Tactic used by Main Contractor to avoid the issue of payment.

Slip resistance:
Valuable quality, now capable of empirical measurement using Tortus, Pendulum or Ramp tests to guarantee that laboratory rating bears no resemblance to performance in real life.

Spacer peg:
Cunning invention of adhesive manufacturers to boost grout sales.

Special pieces:
Catalan folk band best known for 1977 smash hit “Muy fragile”. Premium priced product used singly but only available in boxes of 50.

Specification:
Pointless document (or equivalent).

Standard:
The lowest common denominator, expressed in terms unintelligible to all.

Swimming pool tiles:
A vast range of tiles, (only available in blue).

With thanks to Dr Grout AKA Tony Hyde

Diary of a Tile Addict January/February 2017

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